New to Refiner’s Fire? I encourage you to read the FORWARD.
“Hello, Wanda this is Dr. Smith. How are you doing since returning home?”
I shared with him how my week had gone since being home from the psychiatric hospital.
“Well, I wanted to let you know that I won’t be able to see you anymore. My case load has become heavy and one of my assistants will be meeting with you.”
The phone was suddenly grabbed out of my hand and Joe said to the doctor in a strong voice, “That won’t be necessary. We’ll find another doctor.”
I stood in the middle of the room feeling as though I was totally naked – emotionally that is. This man over the past months had gotten me to reveal every emotion I had ever felt. He had gotten me to share my deepest darkest secrets – one I had only recently shared with Joe.
Now this man, who was supposed to be a caring doctor, a healer of emotions, was walking away from me. It was as if I was nothing. I had heard no regret, no sadness in his voice. I was no more important than a piece of paper he had been writing on, now deciding to use a new, fresher piece of paper. He wouldn’t put me in the trash, but he would give me to his child to scribble all over me.
Oh Jesus, where are You? Have You abandoned me too?
The next few days I not only had to deal with the pain of a raging body, but now I was emotionally stripped, with nowhere to go. I don’t know how I got through the next days.
The Triune God carried me. He continually let me know He was with me – through GOD SIGHTINGS
My body raged with a feeling that made me think I was living in terror!
I remember offering a friend help with her son’s rehearsal dinner; she was doing the dinner in her home. I was so excited as I drove over to her home, even though my body was raging with terror. I convinced myself I would feel better soon. As I helped her set up tables, the terror became worse and worse – it felt like I would lose control. That was one of my long held fears – losing control, making a fool of myself. What if I began foaming at the mouth?
Finally, I had to tell her I wasn’t feeling good and I needed to leave. I felt like a failure – again.
Another memory from those days, Joe and I were meeting with friends at a local restaurant. As we talked my body began to rage. The terror became stronger and stronger until I feared I would vomit.
“Joe, I need to go home.” I pleaded. He looked at me with disappointment; he had really looked forward to this evening. Slowly he rose, told the couple he would be back and we went to the car.
Once home, I cried and cried and cried. I felt like such a failure.
Was I doing this to myself? Was I bringing these feelings on myself? Would I always be like this?
I have such a vivid picture of driving to work one morning, calling out, “Jesus, please please take me home. Jesus, the pain is so horrid, I can’t do this. Please, Jesus, I want to be home with You.”
This wasn’t the first time I would beg Jesus to take me home and it wouldn’t be the last.
My CHALLENGE to you —
Let’s grab a cup of coffee … imagine you and I are sitting together chatting.
When I’m in the middle of “terror”, it’s so difficult to reason, to KNOW that God is with me. What helps me the most is to say, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” over and over. It doesn’t take a lot of energy and no reasoning is necessary; there is just a comfort in repeating His name.
Jesus always answers in ways I can’t explain. The pain may not lessen, but there seems to be a gentle strength that floods over me, a renewed determination. It takes me to a place I KNOW He is with me – even though my body rages with terror.
If you haven’t started doing so yet, begin looking for God Sightings … each day.
Sit with a cup of coffee or glass of tea, in the presence of The Triune God and let Him speak to you through this song. There’s Something About That Name Gaither Band.
Let’s chat via the comment section so others may join us. We can minister to one another as the Triune God guides us to bring glory to Him on this earth.
If you have something that can’t be shared openly, write me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Next page of book: Brokenness! It’s a Gift